I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
