my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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