I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Pooping to opera.
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