I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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