In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
