I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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