youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
