It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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