Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Randomize
