Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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