i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
