Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
he was CRYING into my vagina
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I need to sanitize my soul.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
