Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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