yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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