hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
