Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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