if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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