Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
