We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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