um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
