we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
