pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
