i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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