I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
