One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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