my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
