i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
