Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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