At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
