My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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