I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
