Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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