You're my little dorito
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
