I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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