My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
