he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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