so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
