im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
