More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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