It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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