its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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