Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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