i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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