Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
