I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
