I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
