my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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