i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
