Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
