Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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