Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize