i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
