I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
