just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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