it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
