I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
