never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
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i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
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Two words: blizzard sex
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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